


Multiclassing

by infernal



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: 30-50 feral hogs, Gen, graphic depictions of pocket bacon, this fic is deliberately this way please don't @ me if you weren't a part of this fic exchange
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-17
Updated: 2019-08-17
Packaged: 2020-09-05 20:27:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20279326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infernal/pseuds/infernal
Summary: Druidry isn't for everybody.





	Multiclassing

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Wiccy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wiccy/gifts).

If anyone was to blame, it was Caduceus. But it was hard to blame him for _anything_, really, with his guileless smile and his gentle nature. But when he'd seen how well Jester's plants were growing in the Xhorhaus, he'd maybe encouraged her to look into asking the Traveler if he knew any gardening spells. And apparently he was happy to oblige, because Caduceus woke up the next day to find their garden gate fully overtaken with crawling ivy, a family of birds already making a nest in one branch.

"Hey, they found this plant pretty quickly," Caduceus said, holding a finger out for one of the birds to hop onto.

"Oh, no, I put them there," Jester said. "Well, technically, I summoned them, technically. It turns out the Traveler knows a _lot_ of stuff and I'm, like, _really_ good at that whole druidry thing, you know?" 

"Can you make anything else?" Nott asked.

"If you make a pig, I'll cook it," Beau offered. "My pocket bacon stash is running low." 

"Of course I can do that," Jester said. And she wasn't wrong; technically she did, indeed, make a pig. 

The problem was that it was a little bigger than intended. And a little wilder than intended. And there were 29-49 more of it than intended.

Pandemonium broke out. Nott screeched and leapt onto the highest point (Yasha's shoulders); Yasha drew her greatsword and readied herself. Beau and Jester both jumped back, while Caduceus stayed still and took in the chaos. Fjord, thinking quickly, cast minor illusion to make a tasty-looking patch of mushrooms appear on the other side of the fence. The hogs swarmed the mushroom patch, and once they were all through the gate, Fjord slammed it shut behind them, locking it for good measure.

"It won't hold forever," Yasha said grimly.

"Caleb," Nott screeched.

"Ja, what is it?" came Caleb's slightly annoyed voice from somewhere inside the house. "I have lost my concentration on the ritual I was casting, and I'll need to start from the beginning."

"Caleb, how do I kill the 30-50 feral hogs that appeared in our yard in the last 3-5 minutes?" she yelled.

There was a moment of silence, and then Caleb popped his head out of the library window, taking in the scene with a bemused expression. Just as the swarm of hogs discovered the mushrooms were fake and turned back to the Nein with an angered glare, Caleb muttered something, waved his hands, and a fireball struck the eye of the feral hog hurricane. The smell of sizzling bacon filled the air. 

"I didn't even have to cook it," Beau said. "Best fucking day ever."


End file.
